Lust in love

This is everything i wish i could say, everything you should hear, everything i ever felt, everything that made us, us. This blog is strictly for the truest love of my life, for the one that got away and will never come back. This is for you and you will never see it.

I’m going to write how I feel. It’s way easier for me to get it all out when I write rather than words or actually showing it sometimes.. Thus all the letters I’ve written to you. 

I know you didnt believe in this whole blog but the words I personally wrote and the things Ive reblogged all mean something. I meant every word and I mean every word I’m about to write now. 

This week was amazing, yes, but I agree with you when you said it went too fast. And it always happens that way and it always screws us over in the end. And there’s always an end.. in tears..and it’s never easy. you say we went to fast but honestly, youre the one who sat me on your lap, youre the one who kissed me first. youre the one who made me make your bed already, youre the one who made me make you food and do this and that. youre the one who started to hook up with me. I’ve never wanted you so badly than I have this summer. I didn’t even think I was gunna get you back either but I did and I hoped to god that it would be better. It was better. I was happy in that short week we spent together. Like you said, I didnt wish I was with anyone else in those moments where i could feel those feelings i longed for. But it was different. I could tell. I could see it in your eyes, in the way you talked and looked at me. I notice these things and they make a difference. It was the same way for me too. I don’t think we could ever go back to those ‘love at first sight’ feelings all the time and I guess I expected too much for that first week. It would have to take time for both of us to fall back fully in love with each other like it was in the beginning. I noticed qualities in you that were there before. I knew that you wouldn’t trust me. I know that there was still going to be the same issues as before. I just wished that we could do a clean slate. Start over completely. For me it was a new school. New mentality. New goals. New ambitions. New priorities. I just wanted to start new with you too. But I realize that this couldn’t happen, there was too much damage in the past. Especially with the whole Oswego thing, it was bringing me back to a stressful and disbelieving place.

this scared me. I was scared and i am scared. Im scared because i thought that it was gunna keep going back to the past, to the way things used to be between us and im talking about all the bad times. im scared because i believe that you will never be able to get over the past and will act in the same ways that you have before. im not going back to my old ways, ever. i would never do those things again. and like ive said on this blog before, i will be everything you always wanted me to be and tell you all the things youve wanted to hear and act in the way i should have for the past two years. ive grown up and matured and came to realizations and what not in the past 7 months that weve been broken up. ive been  trying to get through what happened and i really dont think you have. yes, i escaped with drugs. you escaped with the gym and the bottom of a bottle. you didnt do anything to get over and move on from what happened and thats going to affect us to this day. im scared that we’ll get to deep into this and something will happen and i will go psycho again. im scared for myself. i cant go back to that dark, insecure, depressing place with you again where i cry and cut myself to sleep. 

i ran away. i didnt give this a real chance. i didnt give you a chance to see who i was today. and i didnt give myself a chance to be patient with you and to work things out. i just got scared, thought about the past and everything weve been through and shut down completely and freaked out. i do feel the same way as you about us. i want us to work out and be happy so.fucking.badly. you are the one i think about on a day to day basis. when i think about being in love, i think about you. its just, honestly, sometimes i believe that you wont be able to give me what i want and need in a relationship and i feel like you may feel the same way too.

i want this to be mutual. i want you to do things for me. i want you to randomly show me that you love me too. i want you to take me out and pay for me too. i want you to treat me well and like a lady, not just like a woman who stays in the kitchen and cleans..thats not funny to me. i mean the first thing you made me do when i see you in 7 months was make your bed because im a ‘woman’. i want to make you sandwiches and breakfast because i WANT too and because you do things for me back, not because you asked me too. i made you breakfast and you thanked me by fucking me.. thats not what im looking for. you only call me sexy and hot, i want you to call/think im beautiful and pretty.. i feel like im only an object of your sexual attraction.. and that gets to me. i dont want our relationship to be only lust and sex. i want to talk to you, about everything. you wouldnt let me talk to you about what happened in maryland. i just want to lay with you and tell each other everything, our thoughts, our dreams. i want you to be in love with more than me just riding your dick and someone there to make you a sandwich AFTER im done riding your dick. i want you to be in love with who i am as a person, what i believe in, my mind, all the inner things..not just my body. and i want the same for me too. i want to go do things as a couple, go out, have fun, anything. not that i dont absolutely love just laying in bed with you but you know how us laying in bed turns out most of the time. i want to compromise with you about things. not everything is just about what you want. i dont want you to think you can just do whatever you want in this relationship because of what ive done in the past. i want a say in this relationship too. 

i know we have alot to work through. we’re two of the most insecure people there are and no one would ever know it. you ruined every ounce of self esteem i barely had to begin with and i ruined all the confidence you already had. i dont want you to automatically think im being unfaithful if i go take a visit to oswego to see my girlfriends. the people that have mattered and gotten in the way of our relationship before now do not matter and i would never let get in the way again and you need to realize that. i need to realize that i cant make you who i want to be and that i need to be more understanding. its just so hard.. but i love you so much. i want you make you happy so badly. i want to be the one to build yourself up again because i know i tore it down. i want to motivate you. i want to be the reason you go to sleep smiling.. and i want you to do the same for me. i just want things to be different..and i doubt they could be sometimes but its these times when i do believe in us so much that keep me wanting to come right back to you.

  -  4 September, 2012